Abraxas, Guardian Of The Universe

Oh boy, this movie. After his success in “Predator” and “The Running Man”, this was Jesse Ventura's first leading role. And what a role it is! I like Ventura and I wish he would have done more acting. His background as a Navy Seal and in Wrestling put him ahead of his time to break out into acting. I think Ventura could have been the '90's The Rock. He was fit, he was intimidating, and he was fun to watch on screen. The only thing Arnold Schwarzenegger had over him was size and a funny accent. I'm not exactly sure why he didn't capitalize on it. But this movie wasn't the way to go...and I hope it wasn't the cause of Ventura limiting his career.

Ok so the plot of this story is a bit complicated...already a great sign, right? So Abraxas (Ventura) is an alien policeman who is hunting his former partner Secundus (Sven-Ole Thorsen) who just happens to be hiding out on Earth. Secundus hand impregnates...bear with me...a human woman, Sonia (Marjorie Bransfield) who births the kid in about two minutes. Abraxas doesn't kill the child, Tommy (Francis Mitchell), who has the “anti-life equation” in him. What that anti-life equation is seems to be only making things spark and maybe setting a few fires – that's unclear. Secundus escapes prison a few years later and hunts down Tommy to get the equation. No clue on how he will get it out of him or what he'll use it for or why he needs it. Abraxas is sent in again to take out Secundus but decides to protect the mother and child as well. Abraxas and Secundus are unable to kill each other because of mechanical upgrades so fighting ensues and alien-out-of-water situations are had.

Grade – F

B-Movie Grade – C+

As you can see, this movie is a mess of plot holes. I have no clue why this movie was made other than to maybe cash in on the '90's VHS straight-to-video market. Let me first talk about the soundtrack though. The music comes from a 1970's porn flick...not that I know what a 1970's porn flick looks or sounds like from first hand experience. But I had to check the movie case a few times to make sure it actually was made in 1990. Next is the narration. Every bloody narration is annoying and worthless. Most come from Abraxas or Sonia and they are used to drive in plot points to the audience rather than to use in conversations with the other characters. Sonia doesn't seem at all miffed with a couple aliens hunting for her weird kid and doesn't ask a lot of questions. Oh also, her parents throw her out for having a kid. However, she was pregnant for two whole minutes. They never question when she was pregnant. Hilarious! Ventura cannot act here and he's made to sound very whinny; not at all like his character in “Predator”. Thorsen has a presence about him but half the time you want to laugh at him. He goes to a strip club for no reason, tries to touch a dancer, gets in a fight and leaves....SCENE! Brilliant! The fight scenes are just horrible. Abraxas and Secundus can't kill each other so there's no tension there. And Secundus' end is just “...and then he died”. No one has any character or charisma and Ventura is clipped of his manliness. Plus this movie has Jim Belushi for one whole scene. This movie fails as a regular movie. As a B-Movie, it fairs a little better. It has a few things to laugh at like the plot and plot holes and the dialog. But there's not really enough meat there to really have fun with. The effects aren't too bad for the time period and the budget. Definitely a movie that you can skip.  One last thing, “Abraxas, Guardian Of The Universe”? “Of The Universe”? Unless the “Universe” is only a small town on Earth there's nothing here that shows the encompassing scope of “The Universe” - especially with the end of the movie taken into consideration!

Absolute Power

Absolute Power

I've always liked Clint Eastwood. I loved him as an actor in most of his roles and I liked him as a director in many of his films. Because I've watched just about everything Eastwood has been in and has directed it's interesting to see what he takes out of rolls, what he bring to them, how some of his shots in directing mirror other directors and movies. It's like reading an author's entire run of books. By the end of it you are familiar with the person and his thoughts and where he comes from, depending on how much work the person has done. Where “Absolute Power” comes in is about right in the middle of Eastwood's directing work and about three quarters of his acting work.

Luther Whitney (Clint Eastwood) is a old time cat burglar who is on a heist one night where he witnesses the President of the United States (Gene Hackman) has the two Secret Service agents (Scott Glenn and Dennis Haysbert) kill the owner of the house's wife after some rough sex gets out of hand. Luther has to protect his daughter (Laura Linney) from getting caught up in the mess while trying to outwit the detective (Ed Harris) who believes Luther is responsible for the murder.

Grade – B-

This is a movie that follows some of the same tropes that Eastwood's career (both the later parts and the general overview). It's an old timer who's passed his time but still has a few tricks up his sleeve (see “Heartbreak Ridge” and “Gran Torino” and “Space Cowboys” and “Blood Work” and “In The Line Of Fire – ok, I think you get it) who doesn't have to get involved but still does (“Gran Torino”, etc.). There's a hard line taken that what was done wasn't right but at the same time what he was doing wasn't right (pick any of the “Dirty Harry” movies and about half of his westerns). So it's not a bad thing but it is a role that Eastwood is safe in. I will give him credit too, he's aging and old and he admits it freely. Death still fears him – but he does not shy away from that fact. Honestly, I kind of like these “anti-heroes with a heart of gold” roles. Eastwood is decent in the film and does a great job in portraying emotion without the need to say anything. Some of his camera work and shot set ups pull some punches from the old Sergio Leon and Dirty Harry days. However, there are a few shots that are done perfectly and convey emotion, mood, setting, and intensity which he does and uses better in other movies.

The movie suffers from Hackman's portrayal of the President. He's almost too much of a bad guy. Eastwood likes to have a mix of morality of other characters but even in darkest movies you know who the bad guys are. Also, watching a non-nude, rough sex scene with Hackman (who was about 67 at the time) is not something I really want to see. I wouldn't even want to see a young Hackman in the scene. Scott Glenn and Ed Harris do goods jobs and are on different sides of the same coin in the since that their characters are both good but on opposite sides of the line. It's also nice to see them back together since their time in “The Right Stuff”. Judy Davis who plays the President's Chief of Staff is absolutely annoying in this and some of her lines make no sense in how she delivers them.

The story is well paced and entertaining. It keeps you in suspense at times. It just has a hard time of encapsulating that this is involving the President of the United States. Eastwood is fine as the star and as the director. Worth the watch.

Abe Lincoln In Illinois (1940)

Abe Lincoln In Illinois

I think that out of all the Presidents we have come to know we seem to idealize Abraham Lincoln the most. Even considering movies, both past and current ones, it seems like Abraham's character remains untouched and idealized. Current movies tend to focus on the flaws of sitting presidents in the want of making these men relate-able to the audience. “Nixon” (1995) was like that “Thirteen Days” (2000) was like that. You even have George Washington in the 2000 History Channel movie “The Crossing” seen in somewhat of a lesser light. Whether good or bad, when it comes to Abraham Lincoln it seems that we see him as the reluctant hero with the quick witted tongue. I have to admit that I enjoy my idealized version of Lincoln from time to time, as my review of “Young Mr. Lincoln” (1939) shows. However, we must remember that the man who we tend to list in our top presidents of all time is also the same president who did arrest and imprison people without warrant, suspended the writ of habeas corpus, ignoring judicial orders, was weak in the wording of his Emancipation Proclamation, and who arguably led the nation to the Civil War. These are issues we never see addressed in our movies of Lincoln and it seems unlikely we ever will.

This movie is no exception. We see Abe's journey from his later youth reading poetry while living with his folks to the day after his election as president. We see his meeting of his two greatest loves, Ann Rutledge and Mary Todd. We see him taking all sorts of different jobs that grew him into the man he would become. We watch an amazing scene of Lincoln and Stephen Douglas debating for a spot in the legislature. There are many different aspects that this movie focuses on and the flow from one to another is very well paced. The movie seems to hit all the big points of Lincoln's life before becoming president and even focusing on a few events and characters that are lesser known. Where “Young Mr. Lincoln” focused on one specific time period of Lincoln's life, this movie does a good job of bringing in a good collection of many times in Lincoln's life and career.

Grade – B-

This is a decent movie to be sure. I was not sorry that I saw it. There are, however, several flaws that I think kept me from giving the movie a better score. Raymon Massey as Lincoln does a good job and looks pretty fair to the character. However, whether it was Massey's portrayal, the director, or the writers; Lincoln seems to be very, very reluctant. Almost every big event of Lincoln's life seems to be forced upon him. Meanwhile, Lincoln is shown to take the responsibility but be very unwilling to do so. This is shown the most when Lincoln's lawyer partner gets drunk on New Years and pleads and blast Lincoln for not taking his rightful place in history that has been destined for him. Mary Todd's character also makes it a forgone conclusion that she will marry the man who will be president and then forces Lincoln and pushes him in that direction. All the while, Lincoln is ho-humming along and becomes very sullen and forlorn in the second half of the movie. Again, Massey does a good job with Lincoln and probably portrays the voice with a higher pitch that Lincoln is known to have, but movies tend not to play on. Ruth Gordon's portrayal of Mary Todd is played in such a way that is pretty annoying. I'm not sure if that's what the director was going for, but we see the onset of Mary's historically known craziness. She is not a likable character in this movie in the least. Gene Lockhart does a great job with Stephen Douglas for as little as he's in the movie. However, his character seems to fear Lincoln pretty much in here and seems to idealize him early in the movie. He comes right out and says it to Lincoln later in the movie too.

I don't want to bad mouth the movie too much because this is probably the better Lincoln bio-pics that focus not on the Civil War era. It is an entertaining movie and there is a great speech/debate scene that is very moving. It just seems that as you get towards the end of the movie, Lincoln would rather get shot in the head than be president. What?...too soon?

True Grit (1969) - Review

True Grit (1969)

Kirk Vs. Picard. Mike Vs. Joel. Twilight Zone Vs. Outer Limits. In the media field, you can have a face off with just about every aspect of really anything. In the western genre, it seems to be Clint Eastwood Vs. John Wayne. Personally, I think that each offers something different and unique. Where Eastwood offers more the dark and antihero type character, John Wayne embodies more that all American who helped to tame the West. The tall and larger than life man who stood for law and order was hardly ever viewed as an antihero. Even in “Stagecoach” (which is my personal favorite John Wayne movie) where he played Ringo Kid, he was more the misunderstood outlaw. Every other movie he was in, he was the hero. However, in “True Grit”, Wayne becomes an antihero who is a slob and drunkard and who is almost a bumbling fool. It's a different role for “The Duke” which adds to his showcase of a career that was more than just a one trick pony.

Tomboy and girl older than she should be, Mattie Ross (Kim Darby) is seeking justice, and maybe a little vengeance, on the man that murdered her father, the coward Tom Chaney (Jeff Corey). After claiming her father's body, Mattie searches for a US Marshall who has “grit”...”true grit”. She finds her man in Marshall Rooster Cogburn (John Wayne). He's a rough, unsavory, whiskey drinking, slippery morals, old, and fat stature of a man. However, if anyone is going to track Tom Chaney into the Indian territories, especially when he throws in with the rough and wild Ned Pepper (Robert Duvall) gang, it's Rooster. Mattie is going to have a heck of a time with everything. She has to settle her father's affairs, talk Rooster into taking her with him, try and keep the Marshall sober enough. Plus she has to contend with a Texas Ranger by the name of La Boeuf (Glen Campbell) who wants to take Tom Chaney back to Texas to hang for the murder of a senator. Mattie only has her families money, her wit, and her brandishing the name of a prominent lawyer, J. Noble Daggett to help her in her quest. With good dialog, some good humor, and gunfights and horses; “True Grit” is a credit to the Western genre.

Grade – A

This is such a good movie. This is more of a character driven Western than an action one. Mind you there is some good action in it, so this balance of action and characters makes for a good Western. One of the most surprising aspects of the script is how much humor is in it. John Wayne tends to carry most of the great lines but young Kim Darby gets her licks in. Darby as Mattie is wiser and older than she should be and I love those types of characters (see “Juno”). Mattie is a strong willed woman who doesn't let her age or her fear get in the way; or lets anyone else try to muscle her over. She is still lady like in that she knows she's a woman, or at least a teenage girl who has to grab at womanhood quickly. Mattie's age is never revealed to us and her appearance does make it difficult to tell; this does add to a rather creepy scene with La Boeuf though. She's always out to prove to others, especially Rooster, that she can ride and muscle through with the men.

John Wayne plays a very interesting characters in Rooster Cogburn. Rooster comes from a checkered past and carries some scars to prove it, along with a patched eye. He's a drunkard and not always the most honest man. I think this is where the movie probably faults the most. Barring one scene, Rooster seems to be able to function just fine, especially with weapons, with the most sober characters. I don't think the movie did enough to portray Rooster as such a lush. Yes, he drinks a lot and there is that one scene, but he doesn't seem to let what should be clouded judgment and skills take hold. I don't know if this is due to the script, director, studio, or actor; but Rooster seems to be doing alright for himself. The biggest thing Wayne brings to the table here is just how funny he can be. The script is smart and the jokes are funny. Cogburn gets a lot of zingers in and is also subject to a few. Wayne doesn't seem to mind being made fun of his age or weight (not that he was obese by any means) and considering this movie was made about ten years before his death he's really quite in his element. It's no wonder he won an Oscar for his role here.

The biggest annoyance comes from Glen Campbell as La Boeuf. He can be annoying at times, but he seems to be there just to be made fun of. With exceptions to a few scenes, if you took him out of the movie altogether, you'd never notice it. I think the fault comes in the choice of actor. Campbell doesn't seem to be able to take on the qualities that the character is described of having. For example, Mattie tries to convince Rooster that La Boeuf will cheat him and for proof he's got a smirk on his face. Campbell is void of any smirk whatsoever. Originally, Elvis Presley was considered for the role but turned it down, and I don't think he really could have done better. Throughout the movie, he's always coming off as the guy waiting to take advantage of the situation if Rooster or Mattie let their guards down – at least that's the impression I get from every character but Campbell's. He's not without his good moments and the character is a fun target for Rooster and Mattie to poke at.

Tom Chaney doesn't really have much screen time here but towards the end of the movie, he does something which is very out of character to him and seems to come out of nowhere just for the ending to have a small twist. Duvall as Ned Pepper does a decent job too but there isn't a lot of time spent with him also. It's an odd character because in one scene he is leaving one of his young followers who helped saved him behind and in the next he's keeping a promise to Rooster and protecting Mattie. Be on the lookout for a young Dennis Hopper too!

This is such a fun movie. The scenery of Colorado make for a great picturesque backdrop to a well written Western. Rooster and Mattie have great chemistry and whit in their characters. It's fun to see a strong female lead on top of a young lead. Rooster's grizzledness and by-any-means-necessary attitude lend to some great action with a fun character. On top of that, the ending is very good. I was surprised at what exactly happens at the end. It has some joy, some sadness, and overall resolution. It makes for a very believable ending in a genre where many people seem to repel bullets. When watching, see which character really does have “true grit” and you'll find yourself watching a very enjoyable Western.

Another Fun Movie Review

DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET!

Like my “Glitter” review (wow, I actually wrote that), I’m going to do this review in a different format than usual. I will describe the plot and you will guess the name of the movie. Ready?

There is a young man who happens to be a farmer who does not know his father or mother. He lives in a universe with an evil empire that rules through might. The boy is restless with his life and dreams to join the resistance against the evil ruler. The boy comes into possession of something that leads him to a wise, outcast, old man who is hiding from his past. The old man tells the boy that he needs to come with old man and joy the resistance group. The boy is hesitant but after the death of his uncle he ends up leaving. Along the journey, the boy learns how to fight with a special sword and how to use a type of magic that flows through nature. The old man teaches the boy to use special skills that were taught to him when he fought in a great and legendary war. Before getting to the resistance, they stop off in an area that has danger lurking around every corner. After a run in with the some incompetent foot soldiers, they continue on their way. The evil ruler learns of the boy’s existence and his special attributes and sends his right hand man to capture the boy for his own use. The right hand man has extraordinary magic powers that make men tremble before him. He captures a princess for the rebellion who was sent for help for the rebellion. The boy learns of the princess’ capture and decides to divert from the original path to attempt a rescue. The boy meets up with an outcast ruffian who helps in the rescue in order to get payback from a past failure. The evil magician ends up killing the old man who sacrifices himself in order to protect the escape of the young boy and his new friends. They escape and while the boy is sad over his mentor’s death, the princess consoles him. The three end up making it to the rebel base but the bad guy’s army is very close on their heels. The rebellion makes ready and the boy prepares to use his abilities to take out the evil magician’s flying death vehicle. Putting his recently learned powers to the test, he ends up defeating the magician and puts a hurt on the army of the evil ruler. As the evil ruler lays out a new plan to defeat the rebellion, the young boy is heralded a hero and is honored by the rebellion.

Now, what movie am I talking about? That’s right, I’m talking about none other than that classic motion picture…

Eragon

What? Wasn’t that obvious? What did you guess? Star Wars?! Why? Only because I didn’t have to stretch too many of my explanation points for you to think that? The sad thing; there are probably more parallels that I’m just forgetting. Let’s just go through the cast of characters to give credit where credit is due.

Luke Skywalker is played by Eragon (no, not Dragon..that’d be stupid!) acted by Ed Speleers.

Obi-Wan Kenobi is played by Brom acted by Jeremy Irons.

Princess Leia is played by Arya acted by Sienna Guillory.

R2-D2 is played by Saphira (the dragon) voiced by Rachel Weisz.

Uncle Ben is played by Uncle Garrow acted by Alun Armstrong.

Han Solo is played by Murtagh acted by Garrett Hedlund.

Darth Vader is played by Durza acted by Robert Carlyle.

The Emperor is played by Galbatorix acted by John Malkovich.

And I’m not even going to try point out the comparisons with Lord Of The Rings!

Grade – D

Re-read my initial description above as fast as you can. That’s how quick this movie moves.

This movie has a lot of character it introduces but doesn’t tell us who they are. The only somewhat fleshed out character is Brom. Jeremy Irons is so cool but I feel sorry for him being in this. Ed Speleer as Eragon is abysmal. He seems like a character from the year 2000 and not from Ye Old Dragon Age ero. Murtagh is a joke character who suddenly shows up, is quickly given a reason to stay, and leaves. There is a start of a romance between Arya and Eragon but that is completely forgotten about. It’s probably because they are brother and sister. Saphira is also hurt by the hurry up storytelling. Like “Reign Of Fire”, it seems like the movie ABOUT DRAGONS, wants to show them as little as possible. This movie ends up being boring because it tries to cram so many characters and so much story into a very little time frame. The visuals aren’t horrible but again, once you focus on them you find yourself quickly thrust into another scene. I think I went cross-eyed watching this movie move so fast.

Cocktail - Review

Cocktail

When creating a romance movie, or romantic comedy as IMDB wants us to believe this is, it is best to put in just one likeable character. On top of that, we should have at least the main character be someone the audience roots for. Sure he/she/it can have foibles and personality obstacles to overcome, but I shouldn’t wish that a rapid flesh eating virus comes along and devours him/her/it. Then again, maybe “Cocktail” is that one movie that says to heck with likable characters and development that would make sense or at least make for an entertaining movie!

Brain Flanagan (Tom Cruise) comes out of the military and tries to make a million bucks. After quickly failing in ‘80s montage fashion, he gets a job at a TGI Fridays as a bartender. His Mr. Miyagi in bartending is crotchety and nihilistic bartender, Doug Coughlin (Bryan Brown). Doug is a guy that would drive a man to drink with his level of sleaze and wallowing. Brian and Doug team up to try and make it rich. Doug through the attempts of marrying rich New Yorker socialites and Doug through bartending in Jamaica where I guess they don’t have taxes. After constantly wrecking the good things Brian is going for Doug comes back into his life to, surprise to no one, does it again! Doug is like one of those professors in college who want to be “hip” with the kid-os but ends up failing in every way. Jordan Mooney (Elisabeth Shue) quickly falls in love with Doug in Jamaica because she is attracted to bartenders who grin all the time and have no personality. Doug gets Brian to cheat on Jordan. Jordan finds out, leaves, and now Brian has to decide what to do with his life and with Jordan.

Grade – D+

BLAND! Boy is this movie bland. The movie should be called Bland Tom Cruise Grinds Like He’s Getting A Chlorine Enema. No one is likeable in this movie. Brian is a jerk and a spaz; Doug is just sleazy; and Jordan, easily the most likeable character, is kind of air heady and becomes unbelievable and naïve in the movie’s third act. Brian and Doug aren’t amazing bartenders. Sure they can flip the bottles and catch them and whatnot, but it’s all just so bland. For example, in Jamaica, Brian is pouring a daiquiri and he puts the stirrer in the blender so that it falls into the glass. Doug calls this “feat” impressive! Seriously?! They also take part in bland, white people dancing with tightened faces and moves that appears their backsides are just as tight. There’s no sense of realism in either characters or plot. The ending is laughable, especially with the scenes with Jordan’s father. The only solace I found through the whole thing was the ending. No one lives happily ever after. Brian becomes stuck in a marriage that he’s only in for one reason. He doesn’t make a million dollars. He doesn’t do anything with his life but pours drinks. Doug, on the other hand, he was such a slime ball that he decides to kill himself from being bankrupt using money that he married into to. Boo hoo! Either that, or he was trying to get out of the movie as much as I wanted to.

Crossroads (2002) - Review

Crossroads (2002)

Listen, I’ve always been an honest reviewer. I watch movies all the way through before I comment on them. I don’t favor popular movies; I was critical of “Citizen Kane”. I admit to crying in movies, even ones where you wouldn’t expect it (“Charlotte’s Web (2006)”). So it pains me to admit that I’ve watched “Crossroads”…twice…completely…and only one of those times was with the Rifftrax’s commentary (http://www.rifftrax.com/rifftrax/crossroads) …and that was on the second time. This is going to be painful.

Britney Spears (*hard swallow*), plays Lucy who goes on a road trip to not have sex with her boyfriend of three years Justin Long and get away from her over barring, issue ridden father, Dan Aykroyd. Joining her is Zoe Saldana who must have paid her penitence early in her career for being a part of the process of ruining the “Star Trek” 2009 movie. Also Taryn Manning and Anson Mount “star”. I only mention these folks so that when the robot apocalypse happens…we’ll know who to get SkyNet first. Believe it or not, this was actually written by someone who was not a 400lb baboon with an addiction to very cheap whiskey. Shonda Rhimes is another person to add to your SkyNet list. The director, or should I say the person who told the camera guy to film this holocaust, Tamra Davis, must have been still buzzing from her work on “Half Baked”. Also, let’s mention David Gale. Why? Because not only was he a producer (one of eight!) on this movie, but he also helped produce “Pootie Tang”…Come on SkyNet! Get on with Judgment Day!

Grade – F

This movie should be called “Britney Spear Tries To Get Laid And Girls Squeal And Giggle On An Annoying Car Ride” the marquee could just read BSTTGLAGSAGOAACR for short. There is no point to this movie. I found myself throwing my glasses off my face at least three times to stop from being embarrassed…and I was the only person in the room! Britney, surprise surprise, can’t act. She barely sings well yet during the karaoke scene they make a bunch of money on the blandest songs I’ve heard. Half of this movie is Britney being mad at the lower half of her shirts and tearing them from the upper part. Anson Mount is the love interest but I kept mistaking him for a brick wall, which was ironic because I wanted to throw bricks at him during the whole thing, except I think his and my cycles synched up. This movie wasn’t as self-masturbatory as “Glitter” was but at least Maria Carrey is hot in it. This movie is literally about Britney Spears being a rooster-tease (yes, I went there) and then trying to get laid. This is the female equivalent of “Road Trip”.

Again, I have come up with a list of five things I’d rather do than watch this movie…for a third time.

1. Punch a baby in the head

2. Run my crotch through a pitching machine

3. Lick Robin Williams arms until he is without hair on them

4. Listen to N’Sync’s “Bye Bye Bye” on repeat until my head explodes like in “Scanners”

5. Watch “Glitter”

…well ok…not the last one.