Monday, June 17, 2013

Abraxas, Guardian Of The Universe

Oh boy, this movie. After his success in “Predator” and “The Running Man”, this was Jesse Ventura's first leading role. And what a role it is! I like Ventura and I wish he would have done more acting. His background as a Navy Seal and in Wrestling put him ahead of his time to break out into acting. I think Ventura could have been the '90's The Rock. He was fit, he was intimidating, and he was fun to watch on screen. The only thing Arnold Schwarzenegger had over him was size and a funny accent. I'm not exactly sure why he didn't capitalize on it. But this movie wasn't the way to go...and I hope it wasn't the cause of Ventura limiting his career.

Ok so the plot of this story is a bit complicated...already a great sign, right? So Abraxas (Ventura) is an alien policeman who is hunting his former partner Secundus (Sven-Ole Thorsen) who just happens to be hiding out on Earth. Secundus hand impregnates...bear with me...a human woman, Sonia (Marjorie Bransfield) who births the kid in about two minutes. Abraxas doesn't kill the child, Tommy (Francis Mitchell), who has the “anti-life equation” in him. What that anti-life equation is seems to be only making things spark and maybe setting a few fires – that's unclear. Secundus escapes prison a few years later and hunts down Tommy to get the equation. No clue on how he will get it out of him or what he'll use it for or why he needs it. Abraxas is sent in again to take out Secundus but decides to protect the mother and child as well. Abraxas and Secundus are unable to kill each other because of mechanical upgrades so fighting ensues and alien-out-of-water situations are had.

Grade – F
B-Movie Grade – C+

As you can see, this movie is a mess of plot holes. I have no clue why this movie was made other than to maybe cash in on the '90's VHS straight-to-video market. Let me first talk about the soundtrack though. The music comes from a 1970's porn flick...not that I know what a 1970's porn flick looks or sounds like from first hand experience. But I had to check the movie case a few times to make sure it actually was made in 1990. Next is the narration. Every bloody narration is annoying and worthless. Most come from Abraxas or Sonia and they are used to drive in plot points to the audience rather than to use in conversations with the other characters. Sonia doesn't seem at all miffed with a couple aliens hunting for her weird kid and doesn't ask a lot of questions. Oh also, her parents throw her out for having a kid. However, she was pregnant for two whole minutes. They never question when she was pregnant. Hilarious! Ventura cannot act here and he's made to sound very whinny; not at all like his character in “Predator”. Thorsen has a presence about him but half the time you want to laugh at him. He goes to a strip club for no reason, tries to touch a dancer, gets in a fight and leaves....SCENE! Brilliant! The fight scenes are just horrible. Abraxas and Secundus can't kill each other so there's no tension there. And Secundus' end is just “...and then he died”. No one has any character or charisma and Ventura is clipped of his manliness. Plus this movie has Jim Belushi for one whole scene. This movie fails as a regular movie. As a B-Movie, it fairs a little better. It has a few things to laugh at like the plot and plot holes and the dialog. But there's not really enough meat there to really have fun with. The effects aren't too bad for the time period and the budget. Definitely a movie that you can skip.  One last thing, “Abraxas, Guardian Of The Universe”? “Of The Universe”? Unless the “Universe” is only a small town on Earth there's nothing here that shows the encompassing scope of “The Universe” - especially with the end of the movie taken into consideration!

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