Saturday, July 19, 2008

A New Movie Review

My friends, if one day your children are sitting on your lap and they stare up at you with eyes of wonder and amazement and ask in the way only a child could ask, "Did internet movie critic Patrick really look out for his fans?" You can look down at your young offspring, pat the little one on the head with your hands that make the child's head look like an orange in size. After wiping away the single tear that forms and pools in the corner of your eye, you can clear your throat and with just a hint of hoarseness to it reply, "My child, make no mistake about it. Patrick was flawed. He sometimes had bad taste. He even liked some movies no one in their right mind should. However, you asked if he looked out of us? Son/Daughter, let me tell you, that internet movie critic did not only look out for us...he did more than that. He stood on the precipice of destruction for us. He looked into the bowels of Hell, and even though he was scared, he fought the worst of us to save the best of us. He saw what vile and loathsome acts we carried out on each other. He endured what few could. He was the beacon of hope, all alone in the dark. Yes, my child, internet movie critic Patrick found a way to endure the worst...and lived to tell us about it."


It's really sad to say that I have watched this movie. So it stands to reason that it's even sadder to admit to actually owning this movie. Sometimes being a fan of bad movies makes you realize how far down you will go in order to be what you need to be.

I really did think about stealing this movie. However, images conjured up in my head about having to explain the reasoning behind my incarceration to friends, family, potential employers, and "Dale" the 350 pound Aryan Brotherhood convict who just got arrested for hacking up his entire family and then sitting down and finishing his salisbury steak. He would either laugh at me and tell me it was "Spoonin' time" or he'd say, "GUARD, GET ME OUT OF HERE! THIS GUY'S CRAZY!"

It's sad I'm going to have to go through the entire rigmarole of explaining the plot and actors in here. Luckily, for me, there isn't much of either to make it too long winded.

Mariah Carey plays a talented singer who comes up from nothing and is lavished in the music world after her talents are discovered. Unfortunately, she is too hot to NOT be taken advantaged of based off her looks more than her singing talent. Believe it or not, this is not a bio-pic. Ya, and Apocalypse Now was sooooo far off of what some soldiers went through in Vietnam. Anywho, Billie Frank, that's Careys character's name, must choose what she wants out of her career. The hard choice she has to make? Her explotive boyfriend manager who treats her like crap and exploits her and her body or her singing career where she has the talent to make a bajillion dollars. Because Billie is such an idiot, she actually has to take up a good deal of the movie thinking this through. I use the term "thinking" loosely.

Alright, that's all I'm going to cover with the plot since I've probably soiled your mind enough already. There are other actors in this who supposedly advance the plot like an always douchebag, Terrance Howard, and Da Brat who, I think, her friends call her "Da".

Also to add to your hate list is director Vondie Curtis-Hall who I am awefully ashamed to say, directed one episode of Firefly. Well I guess, it's the nature of the "biz" - you first have to direct a few pornos before you direct "Godfather". Also, this movie took two writers to make it suck, Cheryl L. West and Kate Lanier, who did the screenplay.

Grade - F

Please tell me you weren't surprised at that. I could surprise you and say there is one good thing about the whole movie...and I will tell you what that is...later.

Let's first talk about the *hard swallow* acting. Mariah Carey has a lovely singing voice. When she's not out of her head psycho (e.g., talking and not singing) she has a lovely voice. She needs to stick with her one good strength and just stay there...forever. Sometimes you hear critics call lackluster actors "two dimentional" which means that seem flat and have no life in their characters. I think Carey someone portrays "one dimentional" acting. She is a single dot on the Cartesian plain of acting ability. If this movie was a musical she could have had a chance to work her way up to a "two dimentional" actress. I really wonder if she really even read the script. Let us assume, and this is ONLY an assumption, that she picked to do this movie because it was her bio-pic. The movie's plot involves being real to yourself, following your dream, and not let you and your body be exploited for corporate gain........MS. CAREY, DO WE NOT NOTICE THE INACCURANCIES HERE?! For the gorgeous singer who has been known to wear bandanas as shirts and be "Ms. Diva" you'd think she would reexamine her lifestyle. It is my contention that Mariah Carey is, in fact, a robot. A robot controled by aliens to see how much power they can get from a really hot, talented singer. Stupid aliens, yes, but I can't rightfully say what happens if I met Ms. Carey and she was wearing a bandana for a shirt.

Carey acts flakey and with no energy whatsoever. She reads her lines like a senior with one day left of classes in high school sounds like when he's picked on to read "Wuthering Heights" in front of the class. I would hate to see what would happen if she ended up smoking weed. Her lethargic demeanor might create a black hole of dispair and the Goth community might have something to come together and worship other than at the alter of Tim Burton.

Da Brat and Tia Texada seemed to be picked to play Billie's friends because they are Mariah Carey's friends. Are we sure this isn't a bio-pic? Terrance Howard has that same effeminate quality about him that tells me I'd see more action come from him hangling at the potery barn than I would seeing him throw down as a sleezeball manager. Max Beesley, Mariah's love interest co-star, is someone I don't know whether the movie wants me to like, to hate, or to not care if my dog lifts his leg on him.

It should salso be noted as a point of trivia that this movie came out shortly after the events of September 11, 2001. Showing that bad things usually happen in 3's. 9/11 being one, the release of "Glitter" being another, and this movie making $4.3 million. I might have to blame $4 million of that on people being in utter shock after 9/11 and just needed something, ANYTHING, to escape real life even for a little while. The other 0.3 million I'm going to have to go with Mariah's friends and family, a few gay people, and the seedy over 50 sex offender crowd. I'll still leave room for people who I have no clue why the went.

Now let me tell you the one good thing about this movie. Not since "Wild Things" has their been a movie worthy of the title of "Masterbetorium Theater". A supposed message in this film is about Billie's explotiation using her looks and body. Yet, before and after learning her lesson, Mariah Carey doesn't try to dress down or classier. If I was 12 when I saw this movie I would have learned quickly about those "funny feelings" I had a lot quicker. With movies, there's always suppose to be some big message we, the audience, are suppose to relate to our own lives and take away from the movie. So it's funny when this movie's "independent woman" character "learns her lesson" about sexplotation of her talent that it just throws out that lesson right after it's learned. I'm serious, watch the scene where she's filing her photoshoot/music video and how she doesn't want to dress like a slut and not five minutes later she has on an outfit with a plunging neckline that has its own plunging neckline and tight enough that you could teach biology off her. The sad thing is, she'd probably get a lot more kids to pay attention, especially the young males.

Could this movie have been better? I don't think so. I don't think Mariah Carey's life is that important or motivating enough to warrent her own picture. Sure, she's got a great voice, but he hypocracy alone throws your head in a spin. If you are going to watch this movie, and I suggest you not eat for 6-12 hours before viewing, go over to and for $2.99 you can keep your sanity with the Rifftrax version of Glitter - . It's the safest way I can guarentee your safety.

Someday, I wish to test my will again and view this movie for a second time, but that time won't be for a while. There are a few things I would rather do than watch this movie.

1) I would rather jump naked into a pool filled with razor blade and broken glass and find that blasted needle that was in the haystack.
2) I would rather test the theory that sharks are repelled by a swimmer swimming in a lot of blood.
3) I would rather clean the soars of leporacy and ebola patients until there is a cure for both.
4) I would rather watch Carrot Top work out in all but a thong and bronzer.
5) I would rather watch "Spice World"

...well okay...maybe not number 5.

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