Saturday, August 22, 2009

BloodRayne - Review


Bleh. Phe. Neh. Ib. Coo. Nuh. Derm. And Phu. These are all words that are acceptable to utter after sitting through this movie. I don't try to jump on "oh So-And-So is a bad _____" trains too often. However, when the global collective is stacked against you, you have to wonder if they're on to something. Uwe Boll is not the worse director I have ever he fails at that too! Is there anything redeeming about this movie? Let's find out.

So Rayne (Kristanna Loken) is a half vampire/ half human who is different from other vampires because...well she's not really different at all. In fact, the only difference between vampires and humans in this movie is that vampires die easier and quicker than humans and they have a lot more blood in them. Rayne joins an order led by Michael Madson against Kagan (Ben Kingsley...yes another role taken by Kingsley to pass his time as he slowly fades into the abyss). Somehow Michelle Rodriguez fits in there with Billy Zane but you shouldn't look that deep into that.

Grade - F

I wish I had something nice to say. Hmm. Kristanna Loken and Micelle Rodriguez are good eye candy and they're in leather a lot. Ooo I get a RAM chip!

I have created what I hope is a fun list of things that stood out to me and I hope it provides for some entertainment.

  • Every weapon in this movie could not cut through melted butter. There is no attempt to hide rounded "points" or edges. I don't know why they just didn't fight with Nerf(TM) swords.
  • Dialog is cliche' terms strung together without semblence of thought or care for the audience. An example of this is the practice fight between Katarin and Rayne in the food hall. Also who has a fighting session with possible blood and sweat in a food hall?!
  • There is an unnecessary sex scene with no sexual tension before hand. Heck there's no real tension during the sex scene. However, I could not help but think how a scene like this might have saved "Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines".
  • The gore used in this movie reminds me of '70s shot-on-video horror movies. I was expecting the vampires to squish ketchup and hamburger through their fingers in a few scenes.
  • Meatloaf, the singer, not the nasty "food", is in this movie.
  • People are always giving Rayne necklaces. Men and women alike are trying to clothe her more in anyway possible.
  • Michael Madson is to Bloodrayne as Burt Reynolds is to Dungeon Siege. I think the internet just collapsed in on itself with two Uwe Boll analogies.
  • I don't know where Michelle Rodriguez's accent is suppose to be from and I don't think she knows either...or remembers to use it throughout the movie.
  • Gunpowder does not explode...nor is it capable of breaking down a castle's huge wooden doors.
  • Epic music should never be played when your main character pretty much says about your movie's climax, "...but I've really got nothing better to do." (not a direct quote).
  • You can't say vampires hate sunlight, show vampires standing guard outside a fortress in midday, and then use sunlight to kill vampires a few scenes later.
  • It should be illegal to use the same flashback six times in one movie.
  • If you can flashback through the major parts of your movie in four minutes and 37 seconds you're movie sucks and even you didn't like it the first time. WHAT MADE YOU THINK WE'D LIKE IT A SECOND TIME!
I've never played the video game so I can't compare it with the movie. I can say that a movie that makes me log in to Microsoft Money and hit "Update My Accounts" every five minutes to see if I am magically getting money that I don't expect to a sign of a bad movie.

1 comment:

JohnOliver said...

The best description review as I saw, great pictures, thanks!